Herregud, alle gode ting tar slutt. Mange ganger begynner de å ta slutt helt fra starten av. Vi vet at det er slik der ute i verden, selv om bevisstheten vår greier å slå saltomortale og innbille seg helt andre ting. Når det kommer til stykket er alt best slik det nå en gang er innrettet i denne verden, en kan holde seg for god til å komme med dårlig gjennomtenkte forslag til forandringer. Schopenhauer argumenterte for at denne verden er den verste av alle mulige verdener, et lite hakk verre og alt ville ha gått i dass.
Det er slik det må være, alle ting foregår i tiden. De har begynnelse og slutt. Det er lettere å holde regnskap når det er slik, hva skulle man gjøre dersom alle ting bare fortsatte, like bra eller bedre hele tiden?
Mens man er midt oppe i dem tenker man ikke et øyeblikk over at en dag vil det være over. Gjorde man det ville det ødelegge opplevelsen, det ville ligne på en sykdom. Men enden på visa dukker opp en dag, selv om det må være slik så har det sine plagsomme sider. De er kostnaden ved å leve og glede seg over det man opplever. Tåler man ikke slutten, mister man begynnelsen og opplevelsen i seg selv. Det hender paradoksalt nok at vi velger det av redsel for slutten, for å miste, for det vonde tapet.
Slik gikk det også med Fernandos eventyrferd gjennom al Andaluz. En dag var vandringen sammen med Beatrice over.
-Det gikk så altfor fort, slutten kom for tidlig, tenkte Fernando.
Beatrice returnerte med fly fra Granada til jobb og hverdagsliv i Østerrike, i Salamanca var hennes vandring ugjenkallelig slutt. Hun forsvant med bussen. Siden han møtte henne hadde Fernando gledet seg over hver eneste dag, hver eneste kilometer de hadde gått sammen og hver for seg for å møtes senere om kvelden på et alberge eller i en bar, de likte mer og mer å gå sammen selv om de stort sett som tidligere hadde gått hver for seg om dagen og møttes til ulike tider og om kveldene på herbergene. Det er ikke enkelt å vandre sammen med noen. Heller ikke når det er kjærlighet i bildet. Det er kanskje enda vanskeligere da. Men i Salamanca var både vandringen og alle de andre vidunderlige tingene som Fernando opplevde disse dagene på caminoen definitivt slutt.
Etter at Beatrice var dradd avgårde fra Salamanca med bussen tilbake til Grananda følte Fernando seg helt tom. Han var fullstendig fortapt denne dagen og de neste dagene som kom. Han visste ikke lenger hva han skulle gjøre. Han ville aller helst ikke gjøre noe, resten av livet sitt. Han ante hverken ut eller inn, hva gjør man når det ikke lenger er noe i denne verden som man kan gjøre og som man vil gjøre? Han tok seg sammen, slik som vi alle gjør når verden går i stykker for oss. Kanskje er tiden inne for å reise hjem, kanskje skulle han bare gå videre som om ingenting var skjedd; vi mennesker sies å ha en enorm evne til å late som ingenting har skjedd, men dette gjaldt altså ikke Fernando i den aktuelle situasjonen; det er mulig at man overdriver denne evnen – eller kanskje han bare skulle roe ned og vente noen dager. Slike følelsesmessige kriser går jo over ganske fort, det brukte han å fortelle folk i egenskap av psykolog, ro ned så retter det seg etterhvert. Men nå satt han i båten selv, og stormen ristet kraftig. Han var egentlig helt hjelpeløs; det ante han at det kanskje var siste gangen han kom til å se henne, og det kunne han ikke holde ut; han visste at alt i livet er slik innrettet at han ikke hadde noen som helst mulighet til å se henne igjen. Alder, arbeid, sykdom, hva faen skal man gjøre det alt dette som skiller oss og gjør det umulig å finne tilbake til det vi opplevde. En hel uke følte han seg tom, hele tiden var han nær ved å begynne å gråte, det verket intenst i magen og i strupen, han opplevde intense drømmer og våknet ofte brått kort tid etter at han sovnet, og hadde problemer med i det hele tatt å kunne sove. Han følte seg forvirret, han var totalt forvirret, ante ikke hva han skulle foreta seg. Vandringen hadde mistet all tiltrekningskraft. Hva i all verden er pointet med å skulle gå videre, alene langs disse ensomme gjørmete veiene i regn og kulde gjennom fjellene mot Astorga. Han følte seg helt tom mens han ruslet fra bussholdeplssen tilbake til herberget, fant den ferdigpakkete ryggsekken og gikk til den store vakre plazaen der han satte seg ned med et vinglass og en cafe con leche for å roe tanker og følelser. Finne et slags sentrum i seg selv, slik at han kunne bestemme seg for å gjøre noe. Solen skinte med et magisk smertelig lys på kafebordet der han satt, vinglasset lyste opp som en diamant, det var nesten sommerlig i varmen fra solenskinnet Han kjente en intens lyst til å gråte, bare falle sammen og hulke som et forlatt barn. Det var en voldsom tapsopplevelse, en overveldende følelse av sorg og nederlag og savn; han kjente tårene bgynne å renne nedover kinnene mens han drakk kaffen og sølte nedover genseren; er det slik det kommer til å bli, tenkte han. Tårene rant som på et forlatt barn. Folk så bort på han, de lurte på hva denne pilegrimen hadde fore seg, noe de haddde god grunn til . Når man endelig åpner seg og knytter seg fullt og helt følelsesmessig til en kvinne, da vinner man en slags lykke for en kort stund, men samtidig blir man hjelpeløs og eksponert for nye former for smerte. Som en ikke kan hindre, de kommer enten man vil eller ikke. Et par timer gikk uten at han greidde å rive seg løs eller komme seg ut av den tilstanden han var i. Til slutt bestemte han seg, jeg kan bare å gå videre, da ville alle tingen ordne seg selv, tenkte han. Å gå videre er den eneste løsningen, akkurat nå. Ikke fordi han syntes det hadde noen mening eller at han hadde lyst. Men noe måtte han gjøre. Å gå videre var det enkleste, da slapp han egentlig å tenke. Mens han vandret i menneskevrimmelen utover Zamoragaten fikk han for seg at han skulle gå hardt, så hardt han bare greidde i flere dager fremover, 40-50-60 kilometer per dag.Kanskje det kunne dempe smerten han følte, ta vekk noe av den tomheten han kjente som en slags indre bør, tyngre enn sekken og gitaren som han hadde på ryggen.Slik ble det. Han gikk de 35 milene til Astorga på 6 dager, og var helt utslitt den kvelden han kom frem. Det var sent, han hadde slitt seg frem i et par timer i mørket de siste 15 kilometrene, og var lettet over at han i det hele tatt hadde greidd å nå frem til herberget den kvelden så sliten som han var. En ung 36 årig portugiser fra Lisboa var hospitallero og hjalp Fernando til rette med et lite firemannsrom sammen med et skylende par fra Madrid og viste han hvorledes han kunne koble seg til internett på herberget. Fernando ville forsøke å få avgårde det brevet han skrevet på baren den kvelden i Zamora til Beatrice. Brevet var skrevet på engelsk, og jeg synes det er riktigst å gjengi det slik jeg fant det blant notatene hans:
“Monday night: 14.12.2006 – at 11.47 – in a bar Astorga.
My dear darling; tonigh it is one week since you left in Salamanca. I am not sure what is going on with you, but from what I can understand after talking with you and reading your messages this affair of ours is not doing you any good. It worries me all the time, into my bones -so I have to write just to do something to calm down all my worries.Yes, baby, this is a silly long letter. Muito longo – I can see that. And I am sorry. Like you, I seldom enjoy long letters. Usually I avoid them, reading them. I don’t even expect you are going to read it. Why should you ? But if you decide to take the time and read it, I hope that it can make you feel good about yourself. Maybe you can read it as my little wellmeant christmas gift to you. But most of all I write because I wish to find some words for my worries and that I am missing you so bad, and get them written down for my own sake.I write as I am sitting in an ugly noisy bar in Zamora, people are so happy and they are now starting to dance and scream around me – I still feel unhappy. I have been totally out of order since you left….and tonight, by a mistake I called you a little while ago and you called me back, as my call took you out of sleep. I didnt feel well after our talk, not at all. As I didn’t yesterday. Actually, both talks made me feel worse. And I suppose you too. We both know why the feeling wasn’t right anymore.So, what is it I want to tell you ?I am not sure…how can I be ? I really dont know what happened between us two, and what it is going to be. I know that i have been lucky, so lucky just to meet you, more of a woman than anyone I ever have met. I have missed you since you left, it is and has been close to unbearable. I have never missed anyone in this way, not even my own son who I love more than everything in this world. I hate to be like this…most of all I wanted to walk north without anything else than exercise challenges, practical problems and tiredness…but I cannot. You are everywhere, and I have to get you away…straightened out, or whatever it is called. But this pain, this missing..is these days too much. I know I cant be with you just now, but I cant be without you.So, what can I do ?I have been thinking intensively about you and what happened between us, it has been going on in my head almost every minute, night and day. I find it difficult to go on walking – then I need to be calm and concentrated every day as the roads are more complicated than I expected, and mostly unmarked, and the hours with daylight are so few. Everyday I walk longer than necessary because I cant find the arrows, and decide for a wrong path. By myself I am calm and often happy as I walk, making poetry and songs…..but when I know that you are feeling so bad and having problems adjusting to your normal life, it disturbs my concentration and I have problems sleeping as I am thinking so much of you. Last night as all nights since you left my sleep ended at 2.in the night in the big open space of the theater room in the fire station – after that I only thought about you. 6 hours, lying awake and thinking about you. The things I am writing here, mainly came to me then, but in reality they have been working in me since we met in Fuente de Cantos and after you left from Salamanca. And even if some of the things I am writing here is stupid, i have this trust in you, that you never misunderstand – and I also believe you are always thinking very much like I am…I am sure of that…most of the time we seem to feel and think in the same way .I’ll start with what is most important; because I believe it is also inportant for you. “Please let me be, I dont want this any more.” I have for myself decided we should end our love and love relationship or whatever it should be called, I dont know……it seems that we both in different ways have tried or are trying to do, after Lisbon.I hope we still can be as friends in one way or another, and as time passes have some lesser contact on those terms. But that is something that will have to work itself out.All this also implies that we should immedately – yes at once – as i feel you already have: and that made my unhappy, even scared me in the beginning after you left, but now I have accepted it – we should end every type of intensive emotional contact that we was trying to maintain in the beginning, and that gave you so much trouble. And me. I just didnt tell about it.(??? Today, wednesday – the day I cme to Astorga and decided to stop for two days, to write and relax, you suddenly sms’ed me and even called in the morning to hear my voice - I was surprised…after so many days with nothingness..and one day later you surprisingly love me again ????)As you by now know well, this love thing with you is and was important for me. This special love that I felt for you and that developed betwen us is more than both you and me,that is why it can be so strengthening and give our relationship and lives a new magic. Love can have qualities that is more than comes from each person in a love relationship, it therefore gives more than it takes. So it was for me; it lifted me back into the world and into myself again. From our first meeting things had a special almost unreal quality, which resulted in tensions and misunderstanding and crying and overreactions….what happened beween us was more than ordinary reality thing, and that is very confusing. It was like that our 10 days before Salamanca, it was like that some few days after Salamanca – every little contact between us had this quality – it was always more than it was by itself. But after those first days, not anymore. Now I feel more like you told about your relationship to your mother, I am into something where I feel almost a little unwanted. Like you expressed it so well: ’ I think you love me more than I love you.’ I like that sentence, it has a special beauty and truthfulness as you expressed it.For me love has to aspects: The first one is that love is a vast gift, this complicated life’s greatest- both bodily and mentally and in all other ways. For me, the love I felt for you discover you, meet and be with you, see and feel you, your face and eyes and hands and hair, watch your movements as you walked, especially your hands - hear you talk and laugh….see you sleeping…kiss you and be kissed by you…and make love with you…all this has already given this life of mine a new dimension. Your love has given the world and my own body back to me, I suddenly enjoy every place and person and city and activity, even travelling. I do things I never liked, I eat things I used to disgust. You are my only one…the only woman because i have only met one woman like you. Everything about you has an angellike quality for me. After having met you I am born for a second time, I feel that I am kinder, more thoughtful and conscious, more responsible toward myself and others…and tolerate and even like what I do not like.In a special way you are really my first and only love in this life. It is as if I always was looking for just this person you are, just this unique constellation of things that I see and have met in you.Yes, I know well that I am born too early for this love, or in a wrong place..or you are the one born to late and in a wrong place, or whatever…but that doesnt matter much now because you managed to get it through to me those few weeks we had walking together and after that some honeymoon days in Salamanca as I naively called them – they shouldnt have been at all, I know that now…I should have done my walk to Santiago as planned and not stopped together with you in Salamanca. Or maybe God himself had his hand behind this even if I dont believe in him it; feels like that because of all the almost mystical or magical experiences I have had since I met you.I have already told you many times, I felt your presence strongly and intensively even from before I saw you, and I still do…feel your presence strongly and all the time, your aching and pains and troubles..but it doesnt take away my terrible pain in missing you…..it gives me actually more pain just now because I feel that you have seen and understood that you need to get away and go on with your normal life…and that you cannot or will not say that to me…thats what I feel now.But, really; it is ok for me, baby. Dont think of me as a lovesick and lonely old man, because I am not; I have everything I need and more..what I have found in you is this specal love and not a rescue from a miserable life. You are with me and around me all the time, this world and this existence is totally different for me since I met you and experienced your personality and kindness and tenderness and warmth. And that will go on, even after we have ended this love story or whatever it was.I will still carry this love gift with me whereever I go, whoever I am with – it makes me a more secure person, I feel more happy and tolerant and patient with people, and I can see that they feel it and respond to it. I see that as I walk and talk to people. Yes it is like that; I never thought a love like yours would ever come my way. It is the simple truth for me in this life I am trying to live now…after meeting you.But, love is also and always a desicion. As you already know so well in harsh and winterly and homely Innsbruck, love cannot survive outside everyday reality. To take love with you and get love worked into reality is something one has to decide to do and go for. Many people today just give in and try to have a sort of episodic ghostlove outside reality, on one night stands and sunny holidays and the camino for that matter.For us, to take love back with us into reality would be more than difficult. Both you and I know well most of the reasons since we have already talked about and discussed them. You are already experiencing this as you are back in reality. I am still not, but I will be in some weeks. And I am happy for not having to try to get through and out of those feeling, as you have had to do. I think that to try to take our love into reality would be just as impossible as climbing Mount Everest. All climbers dream about that, I do to. It would be an interesting challenge to do that together with you, my love for you is whispering in my ear that we and I can do it, so just do it. But I really dont believe that, I have never believed we could or should – to try to live this life based on and trough ones feelings is gonna make you fall, said a young man called Juan to me today on the street in Zamora as I passed him. He is right, of course. Both you and I know that, and we are of course not going to try to do that silly thing.So, my sweetest love ever. My only genuine woman love ever – we should end our relationship after Salamanca - it should end after that. As it have, so I can feel it from the way you relate to me now. Our honeymoon never became that, it was more of a farewellmoon or departingmoon. We had some special days, and some disappointments – even God agrees with that…he gave us the chance…out ten days of love – you remember…the rest we had to solve ourselves, he said to me in my dream. We have tried, and failed. Even if he is a little disappointed now because we couldnt take it further – he enjoys to see how people manages the battle of and for love in daily life.I know that we in some ways connected well, on many or all levels – almost to well; the pain and aching both you and I have felt since you left is telling me that we bonded very strongly and that this bond was not easy to dissolve. It grew itself into our bodies and brains….our chemistry changed by this bonding so that we came to depend on feeling togetherness and being together…It always take some time, but it dissolves. As all psychologists and other people know well, if you break contact in a total and brutal manner , the postlove aching and pain will go away. That you and I have done and will do… Yes, once more- thats what we are doing. I can write this, because I trust that we are thinking and feeling like twinsouls or wahlwervandtscaften or whatever one should call it. I have never experienced a woman and a person as I have you, but I have to accept the complications of everyday reality and I will do that. I have to be rational and resignate, whatever feelings try to convince me about. It is burning painful to accept that I will never experience your presence any more, as I did and loved so much…feel you close in the bed in the morning, kiss you, smell you and taste you all over …. see you walk around in the house halfdressed…go to the bathroom a little embarresed …lie on a beach or sit in a bar with you enjoying something very sweet and wine and coffe and talking – as I could those heavenly days in on the camino. To resignate and tell myself that I will never experience you like that has almost been killing me….as I walked on roads with heavy traffic today I sort of gave a damn in the cars and how close they came to me…it didnt matter at all, I just walked as if nothing mattered……But I know I have to let you go, leave it behind. As you have already started to do or done.So my sweet only baby, this is my final love message to you; I still love you so much, all the time, in all ways imaginable…want you…dream of you..smell you…..long for you…I have your smelly tshirth always under my head as i sleep, and I feel this burning pain in my stomach and is aching all over for missing you…longing for you.. and the worst just now…..knowing that I shall never be seeing you and feeling you again…But, baby, from now on I will behave rational so that this love slowly and gradually diminishises and dissolves itself and is replaced by gratitude and friendship or whatever comes after our love.Thanks..elskede baby Barbara and Bamia….so much ….for so much…for the incomparable gifts you gave me….I know so well that I will never recieve a such a love gift from any woman…just take care little one…and know your own strenghts and the richness and rico you have in you and can and will give to your man……and…… dont let your small weaknesses take over and dominate you or your life….never..dont do that even a little…dont make them a growing burden..and I certain you will not do that even if they can be difficult to take control over..but with time…With all my love, always…I will always miss you and I can feel some stubborn small tears coming as I write these last words between us…..baby..you dont have to answer…dont do it…there is no need……just let it be…I have tried to speak my truth as you always try yourself…and this time I am not disappearing because things are bad..maybe you did but I didnt…if you need and want to speak, i will of course listen to you…..but just dont do it..it is not necessary any more..I understand well…toworrow is going to be another working day…and it is freezing cold outside.Baby; it feels good having written this. I feel a sort of relief. As you will, when you read it.If I cannot find some internet connection tomorrow and the coming days, it will be some time before I can mail you this letter. I dont know what kind of contact we will have in the meantime, but from what I have seen the last days I dont expect too much. I’ll behave as if nothing has changed. The first day it is possible, I will mail it to you, before opening and reading things you maybe have written in the meantime. This because I want to tell you what I have been thinking, without being influenced by what you have been thinking.
With love, Fernando
And I am terrible sorry if I have misunderstood you, done you wrong, expected too much, or been too egosentric in one or another way….
Sammen med brevet lå et svar som han hadde mottat dagen etterpå fra Beatrice: jeg gjengir også dette slik det var skrevet, på engelsk:
My love; never never worry about me, my bad days; there is no need for doing that, I can manage, but the problem is, my problem in these moments, days – is always you..and the fact of loving you…missing, longing, aching, doubting, and so on….thats what is killing me those bad moments, bad days…I am not used to these overwhelming feelings….so good and so difficult sometimes….and one phone, one sweet from you can cure me, you, plain you are the best medicine….my cure for all ailments and malaises…..
oh, how I love you.
how can I love you so much ?
everything you are, do, say, give, take, show, hide
and even when you fight me
when you are not taking me on…
whatever that means, i dont know
will not know
when you leave and go away
but better, when you arrive again
and hug me, kiss me,
go into the deepest bed there is with me
and drowne into the deepest ocean that we both own inside
oh love, thats all I want to say..
(Beatrice)
And later Fernando answered:
“I am now on the bus going from Santiago and back to Seville; moving through this open andalucian landscape I now know so well and where I some few weeks ago had the luck of walking and for each step coming closer to you. As we both left it for Extremadura and arrived in Fuente de Cantos, then happened that extraordinary thing that youre and mine worlds came together for the first time. Yes, thats where we met, I saw and heard you….and it would be funny if we could meet there another time. Thats where you became so magically present for me, and started to invade my being – after one or two days it felt like you had conqured my inside completely.
Since those days the presence of you in my being has started to rework me, change me, strengthen me, taking away all the pices of not-me that life has imprinted in and on me.It is almost as if this you now from inside me knows who I should be, how I should be. You know that better than I myself ever have known. And as I experience it, it helps me to be more myself, more secure and perfect and distinctly myself. I needed to meet you to become more of myself, thats how I feel what goes on with me.
I will be arriving in the hotel in Seville late this evening. I should be happy now, and I feel happy even if you are absent and so far away, maybe leaving work soon this afternoon in cold Austria. And there is always a little closeness that can help cure my missing, as I had this sweet message from you.
I fell asleep for some minutes in the bus, having this most intense erotic dream about you, your body,you taking me into you like a wild animal, a total bodily and mental embrace….I was thrown into some spiralling movement outwards and outwards…I think I have to see you soon, touch you and kiss you and be kissed by you, I want to share these unbelievable experiences with you…soon baby…work it out together with you, find those secrets that is given to us to explore and discover. Please, little one….let us be together once more, not too far away in the future, let us look for and find all those amazing things we have been given together.
And now as I am awake, yes – one alway has to wake up sometime. But to be awake is almost like another dream about you. To be awake is becoming dreamlike; whatever I look at, wherever I look, I see you all the time, it is all about you. If I see a golf car, it is you driving, I saw you as a Polo car passed the bus, even a white Ford courier, and I saw you…..if I see a tapas bar there is something about you, yes, and just now we are passing where I stopped in the early tired morning when you left from Salamanca, and- if the lady in the seat behind me is sleeping, I see your gorgeous sleeping face.
You have taken over my world completely, you are in all things, all sights and counds. There must be some selective mechanism built into in my brain that has been waiting for you all this time, and now beeing trigged and activated by meeting with you and it is now going crazy just looking for, longing for, waiting for, searching for, wanting you, creating you..Not only are you transforming my inner being, you are transforming the outer world I am living in. If this goes on, there will only one thing left, and thats you.
How are we constructed, to be so magically receptive and tuned to another person..?
Yes, I know a little. It is about how nature makes certain that we bond in a way that can be stronger than alle the forces and influences that separates and bring people away from each other. Thats what love in the end is about, I think. Love takes away or diminishes some of the separateness that we are and that can make us feel weak and lonely and defenseless…
Oh baby, this is almost too much for me sometimes……I sometimes think you have some unknown magic in your nature…that is working on me….but, I love it..”
Og så, et brevdikt fra Beatrice, emailet til Fernando noen dager senere:
“I think I love you more than words can express,
more than water runs down river,
more whiter than the snow,
more silent than the night’s freedom of sleep,
more truely than the blood is red,
more and more by every minute, by every hour….”
This just came pouring out my heart.
I am so into you, and today when hearing your voice…
I knew we have to meet soon. This is the best, this may become even better…
I am now getting nervous…this will be then our third intense encounter.
honey lips from me to you,
mejiones taste only for you.
something spoken without a single word
between you and me.
That’s us.
Sammen med disse to notatene lå utskrift av en slags sms-dialog mellom Fernando og Beatrice som hadde utspilt seg mellom dem de følgende uken fram til det endelige bruddet mellom dem: også disse gjengir jeg på det språket de var skrevet i -
Ti eventyrlige vandringsdager måtte naturligvis bli fulgt av nye møter.
Når et menneske aner at det finnes en annen slags lykksalighet i selskap med et annet menneske bortenfor hverdagens gråhet og livets mange plager, da kan de ikke la være å forfølge sporet, hvor usikkert det enn måtte være. Kanskje leder det til lykke?
De må finne ut hva som skjuler seg bakenfor løfter om et liv med en annen slags livsfølelse,selv om de nok vet hva slags fåfengt håp de nærer.
Beatrice og Fernando møttes mens de begge var på utkikk etter noe spesielt. Eller riktigere sagt, mens de var nede for telling. De ante tidlig at noe av det de søkte etter kunne de kanskje finne hos hverandre. Men samtidig fikk de ting med på køpet de ikke var forberedt på. Og ingen av dem var egentlig særlig sikre på hva de holdt på med, hva de var ute etter. Tross alderen var Fernando i bunn og grunn enda ingen gammel mann. Han følte seg heller ikke slik. Men sykdomsproblemene hadde gjort han mer oppmerksom på alderens kjennetegn og lenker og alt det som kommer i kjølvannet av den. Det skal ikke puttes under en stol at den store aldersforskjellen og det den innebar i ulike holdninger til ting og ikke minst reaksjonene hos bekjente og familie skapte en konstant usikkerhet i forholdet dem imellom.
Men de holdt kontakten etter vandringsdagene.
De greidde å ta seg gjennom de første krisene som oppsto.
Etter noen måneder med adskillelse møttes de igjen noen vinterdager i Lisboa, der Fernando leide en takleilighet i Alfama og var noen dager alene for å skrive på vandringsnotatene sine før Beatrice kom nedover med fly fra Munchen. Han plukket henne opp på flyplassen med drosje; møtet mellom dem var overveldende og varmt.
Deretter møttes de i februar 10 dager i Innsbruck, det hadde lett for å bli ti dager fordi de hadde allerede erfart at et slikt antall dager kunne romme den lykken de trengte sammen og de kunne tåle så mange intense dager uten å gå trøtte eller bli overmette av hverandre.
Det var grytidlig om morgenen at Fernando hadde best anledning til å se denne kvinnen han var blitt så fascinert av, på ordentlig nært hold. Ofte ser man egentlig ikke skikkelig på menneskene man omgir seg med, selv ikke de man står nærmest. Dersom man hadde blitt spurt om å beskrive utseende og påkledning til personer man omgåes hver dag, hadde man stått fast ganske fort. Slik var det ikke med Fernando og Beatrice, han kunne hennes utseende og fremtreden og stil utenat, han fikk aldri nok av å se på Beatrice, han benyttet enhver anledning til å se på henne og nyte det han så.
Tidlig om morgenen under vinterbesøkene i Innsbruck var den perfekte tiden for denne beskjeftigelsen. Etter at mobilalarmen hennes hadde gitt et lite signal i det halvmørke rommet, alltid like før klokken 6.00, sto han raskt opp for å lage istand en frokost til henne. Før hun var ute av sengen, satt han allerede ved det lille bordet ved vinduet med utsikt ned mot Innsbruck, flyene som kom seilende gjennom luften og de formidlable snøhvite fjellene mot den blå vinterhimmelen. Han hadde trukket kaffe, som han delte på to hvite kopper, og nøt sin mens han lurte på om han ikke med en gang skulle trekke en kanne til. Mens han satt våknet Beatrice langsomt til live, mens hun beveget seg under dynen og med forskjellige lyder ga utrykk for hvordan hun følte seg og hvor trøtt hun enda var. Til slutt greidde hun å karre seg ut av sengen, vakle seg ut på toilettet for å gjøre unna det aller mest nødvendige og vaske seg litt eller ta en dusj og vaske håret. Deretter kom hun inn i en blå glinsende morgenkåpe som såvidt dekket over hennes kropps hvite nakenhet og satte seg ved bordet for å drikke kaffe og spise litt.
Det var når hun var ferdig med å spise at Fernando kunne se henne på nært hold.
Disse morgenstundene ble en slags vernissage, en kunstutstilling for en kvinnes skjønnhet der Fernando i ro kunne studere denne kvinnens hemmeligheter mens hun gjorde seg i stand til å gå på jobb og han ikke hadde noen som helst planer for dagen. Hun kledde av seg den stripete lyseblå og mørkeblå nattdrakten han hadde kjøpt til henne på Intimissima, deretter gikk hun mellom badet og speilet ute i gangen og kleskapene i en sort liten truse og med tykke røde ullsokker på bena. Hun elsket å svinse rundt med minst mulig bekledning på underkroppen, av og til helt naken og gjerne i en liten truse og ikke mere. Det kunne Fernando huske fra de første dagene de hadde sammen dagene i Lisboa. Da lagde hun til frokosten mens hun gikk rundt i et liten truse. Deretter begynte hun en langsom og omstendelig påkledningsprosess, hun likte å kle seg i flere lag med klær, 5-6 sjikt, utenpå hverandre. Først en teskjorte eller en bluse direkte inn mot kroppen, Dernest en bluse til eller en tynn genser ovenpå denne. Og dernest en tykkere ullgenser eller jakke utenpå denne. Hun gikk til og fra speilet i gangen mens hun tok på seg disse plaggene på overkroppen, et etter et. Fernando nøt å følge henne med øynene mens hun holdt på, han elsket denne den myke runde bakdelen hennes og de hvite litt fyldige lårene hennes. Hun kunne såvidt fornemme den frodige mykheten i kjønnet hennes som en pute under trusen. Av og til kom hun smilende bort til han, kysset han lett på munnen mens hun smilte, så han inn i øynene og sa ’Ich habe dich so lieb’.
Deretter kledde hun på seg på underkroppen, det gikk alltid litt raskere for seg. En tettsittende bukse, oftest dongri. Til slutt var det tid for å legge på et par lag med vinteryttertøy, disse marsdagene i Innsbruck var kalde med isende vind fra øst og lett nysnø i luften; til avrunding av det hele tok hun på seg en gråhvit lue med rød tyrolermerkelapp før hun hengte vesken over skulderen og gikk ut døren med et stort smil om munnen. Litt etter hørte han at hun startet opp sin Golf stasjonsvogn nede på parkeringsplassen.
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